So I had a emotional breakdown 2 days after new years. What great timing. I thought it was a one-off occurance but it happened again this week. I cried for 3 days in a row. I still can't really put into words what's wrong with me but I know that something's wrong. This isn't a blip. It needs to be addressed.
I turned to Choosing Me Before We. I wept through most of the book. This is a book that I came across when M and I broke up. This is the book that I came across again in November. And that I borrowed shortly after my early Jan breakdown (perhaps sensing that I will have another meltdown?). I'm not a great believer in coincidences, but for once I'm going to try.
Speaking of coincidences, I read through some of my old posts from 2011 when I was starting to re-blog. Some of the snippets of insecurity, one-line thoughts, resonate with me today as they did back then. I see this as a sign that I haven't really healed, grown or moved on since then.
So what's wrong with me? Why am I crying so much? Is it just a mind over matter thing, or was it triggered by T? I don't know. What I know is, I'm committed to self-healing, to reading and taking this one step at a time until I get through this.
So for the next few months, I will:
- take things slow. Assess every social occasion (including outdoor adventures) to understand whether they are contributing to my happiness or contributing to my autopilot/avoidance
- work on figuring out what's my ultimate drive/passion for life
- work on self love
- keep reading on self-help books to do with grief, depression, enlightenment
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